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Una chela, la mala suerte, el toparte con el fraude del alcoholímetro, es la diferencia entre dormir calientito en tu cama o una celda fría.

Doce de la noche, después de una excelente función de teatro y una cenilla romántica, mi novia y yo nos dirigíamos a nuestro respectivo hogar, sin pensar en lo que viviríamos minutos mas tarde. Transitábamos por la avenida Coyoacán rumbo a la colonia Del Valle (Donde tiene su humilde choza este servidor), cuando Alexa sugirió que diéramos vuelta en Xola para pasar con su madre. Grande fue la sorpresa al ver que absolutamente toda la calle esta cerrada por esos conitos naranja que siempre da gusto apachurrar cuando es posible. Un poli nos cerro el paso y nos pregunto de manera “agradable” -¿De donde vienen?, ¿Qué se metieron?-. Sin pensar le respondí que lo único que me había metido era el dedo en la nariz. Entonces el azul pidió que nos orilláramos, pregunto que tanto había chupado, respondí que 3 copas de vino, y era verdad.

Me pidieron que bajara de mi Mercedes (Ajá) para que hiciera la prueba del alcoholímetro. Una doctorcita me explico como era el procedimiento, tenia que soplar por un tubito para que el aparato leyera mi contenido de alcohol en el aliento. Soplé una vez, dos, tres. Pensé que con eso era suficiente, pero no, y es ahí donde esta el truco: me hicieron soplar como ocho veces hasta que la madre esa rebaso el límite establecido; el puntaje dio 0.45, por encima del 0.40 que es lo permitido. Conclusión: Me chingue.

“Nos tiene que acompañar a la delegación” dijo uno de sus cuicos. “Si usted quiere, el coche se lo puede llevar su novia”, agregaron. Ahí es donde pensé: “Son tan pendejos que dejan que se lleve el coche alguien que se chuto el mismo volumen de alcohol que yo”. Pero ni modo de quemarla, uno de los dos la tenía que librar y además no estaba dispuesto a pagar el corralón.

Después de firmar unos papeles, me treparon a la patrulla. Mientras esperaba a otros dos que igual se iban a llevar, vi a un cuate que no quería dejar sola a su chica. Se metió a su coche para platicar con ella, y en eso los pitufos lo bajaron a punta de vergaz*s, en el traqueteo le dieron un golpe con la puerta a mi coche, lo que me encabrono, y les grite que eran unos pendejos, lo bueno es que no me escucharon si no quién sabe como me hubiera ido.

Una de la mañana. Llegamos a la octava delegación de policía en Obrero Mundial, que esta en la colonia Narvarte, ahí nos metieron a un cuarto pequeño. Éramos como 6 personas, lo que nos sorprendió es que ningún estaba “cuete”; pero eso si, no había ningún ratero o violador (Esos si están cabrones ¿Verdad mariquitas?). Las historias de cada uno eran absurdas y todos nos moríamos de la risa. Estaba el que venia de una cena en la Condesa con su novia y se había tomado dos copas de vino, cuando me conto el pedo me cague de la risa, el pregunto porque y le conteste que a mi me pararon por lo mismo, otro que se había echado dos Tecate, salió por unas tortas, ya no encontró y al salir ¡Tómala Papá!, otro que se metió solo a los conos pues al rebasar a un tráiler quedo de frente al operativo, había tomado una chela.Además de un cuate que ya estaba dormido en su casa, pero su hija le hablo para que fuera a recogerla al metro; dos chelas, atorado; y dos mas que llegaron a la delegación en pantuflas porque después de una copa decidieron ir por cigarros.

Uno a uno pasamos por el médico legista, cabe mencionar que cualquier hijo de vecino con lentes y bata puede serlo. Unas cuantas preguntas de si te madrearon los azules, cuantas copas te tomaste, y ver los reflejos basta, lo peor es que aunque pases la pruebas estas bien jodido. Llegó el momento en el que el juez dictaría sentencia. En medio de dos secretarios prepotentes, un viejo juez amargado y otra que se entretenía chateando en su PC, nos hicieron pasar a escuchar la sanción.

Mientras esperábamos llegaron varios familiares para ver que pasaba: la suegra con la novia de aquel wey de la Condesa, el papá del cuate que jalonearon y mi novia con su hermano que desde afuera me gritaba que si me traía una lima, cosa que no le cayo muy en gracia a la sexy-juez que amenazaba con remitirlo si no se callaba.

Tres y cuarto de la mañana. Llego la hora de saber que pasaría con nosotros. Aunque le hice ojitos a la sexy-juez para que bajara mis horas de arresto, todos purgaríamos una condena o lo que ellos llaman una “recuperación” de 20 horas en el Centro de Sanciones Administrativas y de Integración Social “El Torito”, ubicado cerca del metro Tacuba. Nos montaron a la patrulla, que nos llevaría al recinto espiritual. El mendigo poli que conducía corría como si fuera persiguiendo al mismísimo “Chapo” Guzmán y en el periférico iba como a 140, aventando luces y sirena a cuanto cristiano sele atravesara en su camino. Les dije a los otros dos cuates “Se supone que el peligro somos nosotros ¿No?” y el cuico con ínfulas de Fitipaldi me miro por el retrovisor como diciendo “O te callas o te ponemos en tu madre” cosa que entendí de inmediato.

Al llegar al famoso “Torito” es cuando realmente te siente delincuente: te llevan a un lugar donde dejas todas tus cosas, ya no te permiten traer celular ni agujetas. Después pasas con una trabajadora social que tiene cara de pocos amigos y te comienza a preguntar cosas personales, “Pero no se crean que es para ficharlos” advierte. Cuatro de la mañana. Hora de pasar a la celda. Cuatro camas de piedra con colchonetas componen la suite, hora de dormir.

A las siete de la mañana nos despertaron para pasar lista, de un lado los borrachos y vendedores ambulantes y del otro los de desacato. Después aprovechamos para hablar a nuestras casas a través de un teléfono publico, momento en que llegaron unos cuates para dar una platica sobre alcoholismo, pensamos que seria mejor si hubieran llevado unas cervecitas. A las once nos dieron chance de entrar a la biblioteca, a la una nos echamos un partidito de fut y poco después nos llamaron para proponernos “un beneficio”. Nos explicaron que “alguien” (Después nos enteramos que un coyote), había promovido un amparo para que saliéramos de inmediato, pero nos advirtieron que lo perderíamos y tendríamos que regresar a pagar las horas que nos faltaran. El inconveniente es que te dicen que el chistecito te sale en $ 2500 cuando ya te faltan menos de ocho horas para salir.

Dos de la tarde. Llego la hora de la comida. Para ese entonces llevaba 24 horas sin comer, pero la sola idea de ir a los asquerosos baños me quitaba las ganas de comer. A las tres y media era la hora de las visitas y a las 5 hubo una misa para rogarle a Dios dejar de chupar, cosa en la que la verdad no me intereso participar. A las seis nos encerraron para que los custodios pudieran echarse su partidito de futbol sin problemas. a las siete fue la cena, tampoco quise comer, preferí quedarme en el patio con la banda que tampoco ceno echando desmadre como en la prepa. Ahí escuche opiniones de los demás respecto a este programa, todos coincidimos en algo: “Es una mamada” te hacen sentir como delincuente sin serlo, es excesivo estar 20 horas encerrado, y que seria mejor pagar una multa si en verdad no estas ebrio.

Además todos se quejaron de que la prueba esta amañada, pues te piden que soples hasta que rebases la marca. Esto lo confirmamos con el comentario de uno de los policías, quien dijo que ellos tienen que remitir a cierto número de personas, y en cuanto te preguntan si tomaste, ya te chingaste. Otro nos comento que la mejor manera de zafarte del alcoholímetro, es negarte a hacer la prueba, pedir que te remitan a la delegación, donde te impondrán una multa por no considerarse que manejar con aliento alcohólico sea delito grave y no haber dado positivo en la prueba. Así es la vida en el bajo mundo Jóvenes.

Nueve de la noche. Por fin nos llamaron a la reja con todo y chivas, de nuevo me llevaron con el médico, me hizo las preguntas de rutina y pase a recoger mis pertenencias donde me querían hacer perdidiza una esclava de oro y unos anillos de plata que misteriosamente llegaron a la bolsa de la camisa de un custodio (Cosa extraña). Abrieron la puerta y salí a la calle, sentí de inmediato el aire fresco, el viento soplando en mi frente, no podía esperar más para tomarme el primer trago del viernes.

HE DICHO!!
AttÖ:El Wimble!!

79 comentarios:

RokCK dijo...

Esto es lo que considero... "un post chido" !! XD

Y a luego mi lic... Porqué no aprendió la lección?

Wimble! dijo...

Jajajaja un post chido...

De que la aprendi, la aprendi, el punto es que soy un alcoholico y no se me quitara...

Chanchamito dijo...

El punto es que no lo terminé de leer, jajaja, pero supongo que estuvo horrible. Hahahaha

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Es una mamada. Por 2 copas te chingan.

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Si, por dos copas ya te chingaste... Fuck!!

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